Sry I called you an 8
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
