the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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