one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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