do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
