Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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