dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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