just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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