Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
