i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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