I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
40s are totally the cure
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
