i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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