i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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