i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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