he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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