she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
