Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
