is your mom at the bar?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
