doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
