I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
