Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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