happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
