I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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