me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
