My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
