my phone needs a breathalizer
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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