i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
