O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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