Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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