So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
