im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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