Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
