I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
