How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
