I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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