where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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