I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
