When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
