i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
