If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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