I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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