Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
