why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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