I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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