That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
