Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
