I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
