Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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