Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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