Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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