Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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