Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
