dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
