I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
