How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
