it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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