quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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