What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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