I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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