just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
