I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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