Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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