one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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